Fire Truck Baby Clothes

I love love love Janie and Jack and babyGap. Also I find a lot of great deals at Old Navy. I started going there while I was prego with my daughter last year; since I didnt want to spend a small fortune on maternity clothes. And I find great stuff there for her, like Jeans and dresses. But I must say Janie and Jack is by FAR my fav. clothing store for her. Baby Gap close second. Also what style do you like to dress your baby in? Are you into the really baby baby type frilly fro fro stuff for the girls? And all the fire truck and dinasour outfits for boys? Or do you like the ones that look more like real adult clothes just shrunk down? I am deffinalty into the later. Yes, Kamryn has some frilly dresses and girly girl outfits. But I love when she is in Jeans and a really cute modern tank top/t-shirt. I cant wait for fall for her to fit into her hard bottom Boo Uggs!! And her wide leg jeans!!! What about you?
Yeah when she was younger like under 6 months, I think most of her clothes was carters. I liked her to be in loose outfits and onsies with the little sweat pants and they are great for that. Since she was so small and snuggly I didnt want her in restrictive jeans or tank tops ect. But now that she moves all over and can get around no prob. I love the "big girl" clothes from Gap and some Old Navy. ANd when I want something cutsie I go to Janie and Jack
Ahh I LOVE pierced ears on babies, we did Kamryns at 2 1/2 months! SHe also has LOADS of hair, I think its like 8" long now, so she always has pony tails and pig tails. Its almost long enough to braid!!! And Binikis are my FAV!!! We live on the beach literally, so we are there from sunrise to sunset. I cant imagine her without her tenie binkini!!! I even got her an "itsy bitsy teeny weenie yellow polka dot" one; from old navy!!!

I have a 15month old girl, and I hate the frilly stuff. However, just about everything she wears is pink, but very practical and cute. Frilly, to me, looks ridiculous. I would say I'm more of a adult clothes shrunk down type, with some exceptions - I hate bikinis on a baby, they look so tacky, and I also hate babies with pierced ears and headbands (especially when they have no hair).
She does have some cute girly dresses (mostly that other people have given her) that we save for special occasions. For every day, it isn't practical.

Favourite Brand? Gagou Tagou, Osh Kosh, Mexx, the Baby Place. Favourite store - Charlotte's Web, The Baby Place, Old Navy, Cherished Events

2008-06-19 07:53:47 by Goin to the Chapel...4/5/09

Visit www.LotsOfFiretrucks.com or call toll-free 800-351-7100 - This kids DVD video package makes a great gift for a child or grandchild birthday ...

Prologue
I didn’t see the flames right away; no I didn’t see flames at all. All I saw was the smoke, it was everywhere and it was blinding. There were sirens and I couldn’t help but feel my heart jump into my throat. It was past 1:30 in the morning and if my parents had a clue where I had been, I was dead. I had Mandy drop me at the end of our winding drive way and we said good night. As I got closer to the house the smoke got thicker, I couldn’t even see my house and there where firefighters everywhere. I was really worried because I didn’t see my parent or my little sister. I started to run to the front door but was caught off guard when a firefighter grabbed me.
“Where do you think your going?” the firefighter asked as his grip tightened
“I have to go inside my, family is in there… I can to get them out” I said
“We have men in there, but so far there are no survivors.” His voice calm
“What happened?” though my voice wasn’t cracking, I was falling apart
“Come, sit in the truck.” He led me to the back of the fire truck “There was a candle and it fell over, it lit the drapes up like a piece of paper.”
My stomach tightened into a knot. I watched as the last of the flames where put out. There was a big man who was coming out and screaming expect I couldn’t hear him, I couldn’t hear anything. Because what he was holding made me only focus on seeing, in his arms was the body of my five year old sister. Or what use to be her body because I didn’t recognize what he was holding. She was limp and wasn't breathing, I could tell.
Help her!" I screamed as I ran up to the man. "You have to save her! She is just a baby! Please save her!" I cried and begged

Chapter One

I couldn’t remember the last time I cried so much. I have only ever been to one funeral in my life before, my grand papa’s. I guess this makes up for it, a triple funeral. It’s been two weeks since the fire and I haven’t slept but maybe nine hours. Every time I close my eyes I see them in the fire screaming for me to help them. It turns out since my parents room was the closes they were killed in their sleep and felt nothing. But my little sister woke up and had third degree burns and finally died from smoke inhalation, she suffered… and it was my entire fault.
“Kasey, you okay?” Mandy asked
“I’ll never be ok, again.” I answered
I was supposed to give a speech, but I didn’t. The reception was at my neighbor’s house, the Andersons. When no one was paying attention to me or asking how I was, I slipped out the back and walked to the fence separating our houses and jumped it. Walking up to my house reminded me of that night, I could even hear the sirens. There were no walls, only the frame and it was burnt to a crisp. I walked through what used to be the living room, feeling the wind blow the burnt house pieces up. I was in the hallway facing my parent’s room; there was a sinking feeling in my stomach. I walked through the door frame there were burnt ashes everywhere. I saw my mother’s night table near the disfigured bed. On the night table was a framed photo completely untouched by the fire other than some scorched edges and my mother’s heart locket. The locket was in great condition other than the fact it was welded together. I took the picture out of the frame and put it in my back pocket and put the locket on. As I turned to leave I didn’t even realize I was crying. I closed my eyes to stop the tears, but I saw flames and heard the screams and I could hear them screaming…
“Kasey, Kasey, KASEY!” they screamed
“I’m so sorry!” I said, bawling back as I fell to my knees.
The wind picked up and the burnt smelled rose up and I felt the little food I manage to get down come back up. I crawled into a ball and closed my eyes, letting tears and sobs flow out. Then I felt some one’s strong arms around me.
“Kasey, sweetie, are you okay?” the male voice asked
“Daddy”
“Carol, I found her” my dad said
“Daddy, they said you were gone.” I said
I opened my eyes and saw a man with black hair and kind blue eyes holding me. Then it went black.

Chapter Two

After the accident I had no were to go. I mean nowhere, I stayed with the Andersons for a couple weeks but I knew that wouldn’t last. At the funeral reception I met or should I say re-met Carol and James Stephens. She was the best friend of my mother and the last time I saw them was when we went to visit them at their LA apartment when my little sister Lindsey was one and I was twelve. That was four years ago, but they were my god-parents, so that meant I got to leave Boston to go to California. On the plane ride over they told me how much how had change. They had moved to Beverly Hills and her clothing store had really taken off, while he was managing some big clients like Jessica Alba. They had a big enough house where I could have my own room and bathroom. I would also be attending Valley Hill Prep after the weekend as a sophomore. Turns out a
My uniform for Valley Hill was different to say the least. You always think the short plaid skirts and ties are for the movies, well there for California too. It was a blue, red, black, and white plaid skirt with a white button up shirt and same color plaid tie and blue blazer. To top it off high heels and white stockings, I kid you not. It would be all very funny if I didn’t have to go to school wearing it. I half expected to see Britney Spears jump out singing “opps I did it again”. Turns out Carol and James really want me to like them so that includes a fully decorated room, laptop and fully stoked walk in closet and a light blue BMW bug. So I pulled up to my pre- purchased parking place and got out my class schedule. Walking on to the campus was like walking onto a scene of the “O.C” or “9.0.2.1.0”. It made me miss Boston, Mandy, and my Parents. I just kept my head up high and walk in the doors to my locker.
My uniform for Valley Hill was different to say the least. You always think the short plaid skirts and ties are for the movies, well there for California too. It was a blue, red, black, and white plaid skirt with a white button up shirt and same color plaid tie and blue blazer. To top it off high heels and white stockings, I kid you not. It would be all very funny if I didn’t have to go to school wearing it. I half expected to see Britney Spears jump out singing “opps I did it again”. Turns out Carol and James really want me to like them so that includes a fully decorated room, laptop and fully stoked walk in closet and a light blue BMW bug. So I pulled up to my pre- purchased parking place and got out my class schedule. Walking on to the campus was like walking onto a scene of the “O.C” or “9.0.2.1.0”. It made me miss Boston, Mandy, and my Parents. I just kept my head up high and walk in the doors to my locker.
“NO, I mean they had to pay A LOT more than ours.” The blonde

May I just say that that was AWESOME! :)

I'm going to remember reading this here so when it becomes a best seller one day, I can say that I was one of the firsts to read it!

Keep up the good work! And show us the rest when you get done with it!

2009-07-26 15:16:43 by Nanny Franny

Price: $28.00 $14.99

Machine wash warm with like colors, tumble dry medium
100% Cotton
Let's go fire truck with bear embroidered 2-ply bib, knit printed lap shoulder bodysuit for easy on-off dressing with 3 snap closures at inseam, coordinating elastic waist pant and super soft booties with matching embroidered bears
Made in China
Velcro closure on bib, lap shoulder and snap closure by inseam for easy on-off dressing of the bodysuit, elastic waist for easy on-off dressing of the pant

PLEASE WATCH...
.............”The Devil Came on Horseback”....

PLEASE GO TO
............. www.savedarfur.org...&...www.globalgrassroots.org

.....and....

IMAGINE...IF U CAN...

You live in the Sudan, in the region of Darfur, an African society that wants nothing more than to own it's own land, cultivate and develop the area , have a government that allows and provides for schools and health facilities in the area, and receive appropriations from the Chinese owned oil pipeline that runs through the area. You only want from your government...what the rest of the Arab Muslim populated lands are getting. But, instead, because the Chinese pay the Sudan government for 75% of the oil that runs through the pipeline, it supplies men to guard the pipeline, and the Chinese don't want your population living on it's guarded land. Because you are an African population and the majority of Sudan is Arab Muslim, the Sudanese don't want you to make a living in the land of Darfur either. So you are banished to live in desolate areas with a sparsity in food, water, firewood, or means of self-survival. As a society, you want what is only awarded the rest of the population and so you form a resistance to the prejudice...a militia that tries to negotiate and make peaceful resolutions but is forced to take a stand by fighting back....AND NOW...

IMAGINE...IF U CAN....

You are running through the fire and the bullets, a baby on your back, your young children, husband, and elders lost to you, scattered in the thick dust and commotion of the bombs dropped from above. You run wildly across the dusty barren plains that you have been banished to live in as the men on camel and horseback come from all directions yelling “KILL THE SLAVES”. The Janjaweed are Arab Muslims armed with fire and weapons provided by China and the Sudanese government, that rape, torture, burn, kill, and pillage everything in sight. Looting is in their contract. Plundering the civilian relocation outposts of the African society of Darfur is the how the Janjaweed receive their only wages...AND NOW...


IMAGINE...IF U CAN...

Your baby being bludgeoned death while he is carried on your back while men chase you with bats as you run for your life...Your children and grandparents are shot through the heart and head right in front of you...People are tied up, laid over a rubber truck tire and hacked to pieces with an ax...Families are tied to a pole in their home as the fire set to their hut burns them alive...Your ears are cut off and your eyes are plucked out and while still alive you are set afire...You stand defenseless while watching your loved ones raped and tortured before being cruelly and mercilessly killed in front of your eyes and you imagine what they will do to you next...You have been shot in the head, thought to be dead, but still live, while the Janjaweed or Sudanese militia undress you and prepare to bury you in a mass grave...You manage to live in spite of the bullet in your head and since it is late...you won't be buried in the mass grave until morning. Early the next day, before sunrise, before any Janjaweed return to finish pillaging the village...you make your way toward the nearby Chad border... AND NOW...

IMAGINE...IF U CAN...

You escape across the border to Chad, the poorest country in the world, where other Darfur Africans have made an ever growing Refugee Camp. A camp of refuge in a country that is desolate and environmentally cannot support your growing numbers. You have nothing, nothing but the clothes on your back. You have been separated from your friends and family and you have no water, no cooking utensils, no food to cook, no firewood to cook with, and no home to sleep in. You must scrape the land and depend on foreign organizations that give you aide...but you still need firewood to cook with ...AND NOW...

IMAGINE...IF U CAN...

Even here, you are not safe, as the Janjaweed cross the border to finish their mission of extermination.
Not only in your previous relocated village in Darfur, but especially in the poor, unfruitful, and infertile neighboring refuge of Chad, collecting enough firewood for your next days meal is usually an overnight journey. Men collecting firewood risk castration and murder by the Janjaweed if they courage this venture, so instead, the women are sent because they are raped and tortured but left alive. The Janjaweed use rape as a secondary militia ploy to further the disintegration of the DarfurAfrican society. This tactic works because a husband will abandon his wife and children if it is found that she has been raped. Thus, many women and children are left to suffer and survive, alone in Chad,without protection or substance. ...AND NOW...

IMAGINE...IF U CAN...

You find an American has been witnessing the devastation of your society and sending reports back to his government and the United Nations. You have been receiving aide in the form of food and
That is ...www.globalgrassroots.org
and water from American Foreign Aide Organizations and you have hope that this American can make a difference in your world by telling the world what he has seen...AND NOW...

IT HAS BEEN TEN YEARS...AND NO FOREIGN AIDE HAS ARRIVED nor MADE AN AGGRESSIVE ATTEMPT to STOP THE GENOCIDE OF THE PEOPLE OF DARFUR...

Instead...it has taken this many years for the International governments to DETERMINE...if INDEED, it is GENOCIDE....Well, yes, FINALLY, in 2002, IT WAS DEFINED AS GENOCIDE by the United Nations, the United States, and the International Criminal Court....AND NOW...

IMAGINE...IF U CAN...(In all this time)

NO COUNTRY or ALLIED GROUP HAS MADE IT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO STOP IT...

My question is...WHO SHOULD STOP THE GENOCIDE......HITLER'S GHOST??????????????

….......PLEASE WATCH...”The Devil Came on Horseback”...

…...........PLEASE GO TO www.savedarfur.com...

…................PLEASE HELP...ONE CIVILIAN PERSON AT A TIME...SINCE....NO GOVERNMENT WILL...

The Organisation of the Islamic Conference (OIC), The Muslim Brotherhood, The Organization of Muslim States and OPEC should step up to take care of that...but they won't they aren't charitable enough.

The United States has no business getting involved.

The European Union has no right getting involved.

The United Nations is impotent and can't do anything for anybody.

2009-07-22 03:53:55 by N2Lek2L N2rkrs

Price: $24.00 $18.00

Machine wash and tumble dry
Matchingg sock
Fire truck theme
Reversible bib

Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Windex
Do not spray in eyes.

Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter
Safe to use around pets.

Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Endust Duster
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

Baby Oil
Keep out of reach of children

Little Ones Baby Lotion
Keep away from children

Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.

Dial Soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.

Hairdryer:
Do not use while taking a shower.

Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant
Use only on underarms.

Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.

Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness


Christmas Lights
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.

Bic Lighter
Ignite lighter away from face.

Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-Flamable

Earplugs
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe

Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.

Pepper Spray
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor
Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.

Fix-a-Flat
WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.

Rain Gauge
Suitable for outdoor use.

RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe

Pine Mountain Fire Logs
Caution: Risk of fire

Triops Fish Food
Warning: Not for human consumption

Home Depot Treated Lumber
Do not consume

Hair Dryer
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.

Road Sign
Caution water on road during rain.

Camera
This camera will only work when film is inside.

Road Sign
Cemetery Road. Dead End

Church Parking Lot Sign
Thou shalt not park

Children's Superman Costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Silk Soy Milk
Shake well and buy often

Air Conditioner
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold

American Airlines Peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.

Swanson TV Dinners
This product must be cooked before eating.

Hershey's Almond Bar
Warning: May contain traces of nuts

Heinz Ketchup
Instructions: Put on food

500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.

Beach Ball
CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.

Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

Bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you

New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.

Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado

Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.

Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.

Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.

Hair Dryer
Do not use while sleeping.

Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.

A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.

Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.

Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.

13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.

Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.

Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.

A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.

A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.

Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.

Electric Cattle Prod
For use on animals only.

Can of air freshener.
For use by trained personnel only.

Silly Putty
Do not use as ear plugs.

Knife sharpening stone
Warning: knives are sharp!

Deodorant
Do not use intimately.

Rat Poison
Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

Portable stroller
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.

Dashboard of a mail truck
Look before driving.

Children's cough medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Sign at a railroad station
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

Bottom of a supermarket dessert box
Do not turn upside down.

Package of dice.
Not for human consumption.

Bottled Drink:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

Shipment of hammers
May be harmful if swallowed.

Manual for an SGI computer.
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.

Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.

Electric Thermometer.
Do not use orally after using rectally.

Packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
Turn off motor before using this product.

6x10 inch inflatable picture frame
Not to be used as a personal flotation device.

Box of bottle rockets
Do not put in mouth.

Wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack
Remove plastic before eating.

Box for a car jack
For lifting purposes only.

Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.

Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean
Do not drive cars in ocean.

Small print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert
Always drive on roads. Not on people.

Bus Stop
No stopping or standing.

Church Sign
These rows reserved for parents with children.

Bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Credit card statement.
Payment is due by the due date.

Laundromat triple washer
No small children.

Sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building
Take care: new non-slip surface.

Box of Pills
Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.

Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

Can of black pepper.
Instructions: usage known.

Bag of cat biscuits
Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.

Car Manual
In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

Espresso Kettle
The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position.

T.V. manual
Do not pour liquids into your television set.

Label on a hammer
Caution - Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object

VCR box
Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.

Toilet brush
Do not use for personal hygiene.

Black rubber fishing worm
Not for human consumption.

Orange Juice Can:
100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.

Depend Adult Diapers
Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear.

Furniture Wipes
Do not use for a baby wipe.

Stickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet
This is not a toy. Stickers require adult supervision.

Lawnmower
Warning: When Motor Is Running - The Blade Is Turning

Instructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza
Do not turn upside down.

Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle
Do not open here.

Bottle of bathtub cleaner
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

Container of lighter fluid
WARNING: Contents flammable!

Box of household nails
CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!

Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it
Direction #1: Remove plastic.

Drink bottle label
Do not peel label off.

Woolite carpet cleaner
Safe for carpets, too!

Box of Frosted Cheerio's
The logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."

Sterno
Do not use near fire or flame.

Container of salt
Warning: High in sodium

Hose Nozzle
Do not spray into electrical outlet.

Oh my god, I laughed sooo hard when I was reading these. I have run into some funny ones myself. I think the best one was for some laundry pre-treater: spray on stain and wash.
Like nobody would have figured that one out. LOL

2006-10-03 10:56:06 by JonnaMamma

Collection of jokes

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple whom also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35, " was the reply.
"I'm actually 47, " the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47, "
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".
A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away, " sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well, " sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make theguy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly Daddy.' The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man upstairs'. The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
"So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
"Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
"That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it, "He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, 'I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.' 'Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.' So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, 'Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.' The woman obliged and removed her clothing. 'Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on.' While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. 'You're in perfect health,' he said to the man. 'Your wife didn't give me an erection either.'
Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!' This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife.' The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for? The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'
The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500, 000.'
The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500, 000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'
The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500, 000.'
The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500, 000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'
He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, " he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob, " he insists, "and I know you like it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
"Come on baby pleeeeaassseee"
"I'm not going to give you a blow job"
"Why Not...baby it will be quick I promise?"
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy? 'A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy? 'Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.' What do you mean you found my sponge? "The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'
This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8: 00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass !

Radio Silence
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'.

What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
What does a dog do that you can step into?
What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1, 000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, 'I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.'
So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis.
So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: 'First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it.'
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words, " he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well, " she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"
"Nope, " replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."'
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid, " she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

This part:

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"****!" he said, and dropped her.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your **** dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

is cool and funny.

2008-01-18 02:07:28 by ღ♥ஐ.C.i.n.t.h.e.y.a.ஐ♥ღ